


Memories

by Nikky_the_writer



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 09:35:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16870528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikky_the_writer/pseuds/Nikky_the_writer
Summary: Reader was trained in the Red room, some of her memories are coming back to her, haunting her while she is trying to move on.





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my Tumblr: @nikky-the-writter

(Y/N) was sitting on the bed in the center of a small dark room. She lived in the Avengers tower for six months and she couldn’t get just to it. Every time when she would try to smile or to be happy screams would find their way back into her mind. There were no peace for tortured souls. Every time when she would wake up or go to sleep, she could hear it, the voices. Whispers that were calling her to come back to the Red room, they hunted her for years.

Slowly getting up, her feats led her to the kitchen. Somebody’s eyes were on her, but she couldn’t care less. She got used to people staring at her. She never took anything to her heart. Today a lot of people would even question does she even have a heart. For her training in the Red room wasn’t hard. If you don’t know what people usually do at your age, you settle with less, as she did as a young girl. Word family for her was strange, with no meaning, but being a soldier, an assassin that was in her blood. Blood that was dripping from her body many times, but always she found the strength to get up. She was one of the few who weren’t forced to kill, she accepted her faith as a kid. It wasn’t a surrender, it was a long lasting plan for getting out of there. It took more than a decade, but she found the way out. She thought when she leaves that everything will stay in her past, but it didn’t happen Red room was settled in her mind. Every word, every punch, every cut, everything was left in her mind.

_____________________________________________________________________

Bucky was sitting in the kitchen watching (Y/N) coming in the room. He didn’t know what to say, so he kept his mouth shut and his eyes still on her. The feeling wasn’t uncomfortable, it was more comfortable than with most people. When he came to the tower, he thought that he won’t be easily accepted, but he was. Natasha was the first one, she knew how does it feel to kill for someone, to have your memory erased. She empathized with him. After a few minutes of watching every move that she made. He turns his eyes to his pancakes that Wanda made earlier.

˝Do you want some? ˝, he asked a girl who was wearing her pj’s, looking around the kitchen for food.

˝Yeah, I’m really hungry. ˝, she said with a small smile that quickly faded. Taking her plate from the high shelf, she knocked over a cup of coffee, making loud noise.

She was standing frozen, just looking at the broken cup and liquid all around it.

˝ (Y/N), are you OK? ˝

His voice has been just a noise in the back of her head, mind was focused on something else than Bucky’s voice. Trapping her consciousness in the maze of her memories. 

_____________________________________________________________________

_˝Without hesitation, without thinking, just pull the trigger˝, the first target was out, the first kill and she felt nothing. No remorse, no sadness, just void. For most pulling the trigger is the easy part, but realizing what you did, kills you every single day. Not her, she stood in front the limp body of a twenty-year old man. His dark eyes were lifelessly staring at her like a porcelain doll. His heart beats died out long ago, but she was still there observing him._

_˝He is dead, you can’t be here, they will come back˝, said the blond girl._

_˝Anna, go back to our room before they found you here˝, (Y/N) said genuinely caring for the younger girl._

_˝Can you at least take this, you missed dinner? ˝, Anna was holding a small bowl of soup._

_˝Yeah, I could do that˝, she looked at the man for the last time when she heard a shot from a gun._

_Anna was laying dead on the ground shot straight in the head, like an execution, there was a broken bowl, it pieces hidden in Anna’s blood._

_˝She was weak  that is not how I trained you to be. ˝, Ivan, her mentor said putting his gun back in the holster. ˝Go to the bed! ˝_

_(Y/N) started walking to the door not looking at Anna’s still warm body, while walking, she accidentally stepped with her bare foot in the sticky liquid on the ground, but she kept on going not lowering her head. She knew what it was, she tried not to care._

_____________________________________________________________________

˝ (Y/N) ˝, Bucky touched the shoulder of a girl who was staring blankly at the floor.Tony came in the room, accidentally kicking the door with his new suit. At the sudden noise (Y/N), looked at Bucky. Her eyes were much darker than before, her expression blank, with no emotions. With fast movement, she punched Bucky in the face, he stumbled back, surprised by her sudden behavior.With a sharp movement, she kicked him in the stomach. Tony removed the suit, because it was still work in progress, he called the backup. Bucky was on the floor, so her focus fell on Tony, the only thing that was separating them, was a glass coffee table. She stepped on it watching Tony as a prey. Before she tried to attack Stark, Steve tackled her to the ground, she hit her head on the ground, but that didn’t stop her from fighting. Steve was holding her on the ground, while she was trying to escape. Her fist met his jaw, cutting his lip. She got up. Her hair was messy and sticky from the blood on her head. She touched her head with her fingertips, in the moment of not paying attention. Natasha and Sam grabbed her from behind, Steve helped them keep her steady while Bruce was giving her an injection. She passed out after a few seconds.

_____________________________________________________________________

Almost all the Avengers were sitting in the Banner’s lab.

˝What happened to (Y/N)? ˝, Steve asked Bucky, before he could answer Tony started talking.

˝Did you try to flirt with her old man? ˝, Tony tried to lighten up the mood. Bucky excelled at his question.

˝Did something happened before she started acting like that? ˝, Nat asked.

˝She was just staring at the ground, not moving for a few minutes. Why is that important? ˝

˝That’s not good. ˝, Nat said, standing up.

˝What do you mean? ˝, Bruce wanted to know.

˝It happened to me a few times, but not like this. They would usually eraise our memories in the Red room and sometimes when pieces of memories come back, you can become disoriented, or even forgot who you were after that memory. That were side-effects, but they didn’t care. That wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in Red room. (Y/N) was different from the start, so young and fearless. Ivan thought that nobody could be loyal as (Y/N), she was the youngest girl who passed all of the tests. ˝, Natasha explained.

˝So, (Y/N) thinks that she is an assassin again that she works for them? ˝ Tony interrupted her.

˝Can you let me finish? ˝, Nat asked, annoyed. ˝ (Y/N) was different she didn’t resist. Ivan wanted to be sure that she will stay like that, be the perfect soldier. So, after her first kill he tried to erase her memories and implanted new one to her. There was a problem, Ivan wasn’t aware of that. He didn’t succeed in erasing her mind, but the memories that he tried to give her intertwined with her own memories. Sometimes when she remembers something she becomes delusional, she has mood swings often because she is not sure what was real in her mind.

˝Is she going to be alright? ˝, Bucky was worried.

˝I don’t know. ˝, she shrugged with her shoulders.

˝You are saying that there is a chance that she will stay like that, trying to kill us all? ˝, Bucky grow close to (Y/N). They shared many moments laughing and having fun. Sometimes it was difficult to be next to her because of her sudden change in mood. He would never know how she feels when she wakes up, just like today. She was quiet, barely talking. He should’ve known that something was wrong. He failed her.

˝So, she forgets things? ˝, Pietro asked.

˝Is that means that she forgot your kiss? ˝, Scott was looking at Bucky, who looked like he was going to kill him.

˝You kissed her? ˝, Wanda asked not believing, (Y/N) was her friend and she didn’t tell her.

˝Guys, she doesn’t forget, she sometimes gets lost in between her real and fake memories and when something different happens to her, she started to doubt that, not sure did that really happened.˝, Nat explained.

_____________________________________________________________________

Bucky was sitting on the edge of her bed waiting for her to wake up. Bruce gave him the injection in case if she attacks him. He would never hurt her, he would let her to punch him, he was used to physical pain. But this kind of pain that he was feeling now was tearing his heart apart. The slightest movement in bed, got his attention, (Y/N) was waking up, looking around, her eyes fell on sad Bucky.

˝Hey, why so sad? ˝, her voice was like a whisper.

˝Nat told us what is going on with you.˝, He got up from her bed and came closer to her.

She took his metal arm in her own. (Y/N) sat on her bed, putting her head on the headboard. ˝Sit with me.˝, Bucky did as she said, not letting her arm. They were sitting in silence for a few minutes when she started talking. ˝It is not that bad. It is getting easier. ˝

˝You are not getting better (Y/N). ˝, he was on the edge, barely holding tears. ˝I don’t want to lose you˝

˝You won’t lose me Buck, not before I lose myself. ˝, her arm was now holding both of his hands. His head on her shoulder. She could hear his sniffling, tears were falling on her shoulder. 

_____________________________________________________________________

˝Can you stay here with me? ˝

˝I’m sorry I can’t. ˝, He quickly got up heading to her door.

˝Please˝, her small frame had been already behind him.

˝I did so many bad things, I always thought that I will stay alone, but then Steve found me and then you came. After everything I thought that maybe, I deserve to have someone and after we kissed, I was sure that that someone is you. ˝

˝Buck. ˝, she whispered, putting her hand on his shoulder, making him turn around. She was met with his red eyes full of tears. She never saw him like this, so vulnerable.

˝I love you. ˝, Bucky’s voice was cracking.

She took  his hand in hers, smiling. She was leaning in when Bucky asked, ˝Why do you always take the metal one? ˝, He asked her not knowing why would she rather touch his metal than flesh arm.

˝You are asking me that right now? ˝, she asked, laughing, he nodded silently. ˝I just do. There is no reason, they are the same˝, she took his other arm.

˝ They are not˝

˝They are yours and they are perfect, you can see how they fit perfectly with mine. ˝ She intertwined their fingers, coming closer to him. Stepping on her fingertips, she kissed him. The kiss was gentle and full of emotions. His tears were touching her cheeks. He smiled into the kiss, not wanting to let her go. After a while she pulled away.

She took a deep breath, forcing herself to say ˝I can’t be with you, Bucky˝

Bucky’s smile faded. ˝Why would you kiss me then? You feel sorry for me, don’t you? ˝, he raised his voice not realizing it.

˝I don’t feel sorry for you. Why would I? ˝, she sat on her bed not looking at him. He opened the door wanting to get out, he loved her so much and now he thinks that she doesn’t want him.

˝I need to find answers. You know everything about yourself, but I know nothing about myself, I don’t have anyone˝

˝You have me. ˝

˝No, Bucky you’ve been through so much, I don’t want you to suffer. I want you to be happy. ˝

˝I am happy with you. ˝

˝With me? Which side of me, when I don’t even look at you, when I want you dead. I can’t stay here. ˝, she went to her closet, putting some clothes in the bag.

˝You think that I will be better without you? ˝Bucky was falling apart in front of her. She didn’t even cry. She was going to leave everyone behind.

˝You can be happy, they love you. ˝

˝I love you (Y/N), that doesn’t mean anything to you? ˝

She walked pass him, not looking at him. ˝I love you. ˝, she whispered before closing the door behind her.

She was still living in the past, couldn’t start over not knowing who she was. Not wanting to keep Bucky behind. The only right choice was to leave. She wasn’t sure in many things, but she knew that she loves him more than she loves herself and she would rather go back to the Red room then hurting Bucky or any of Avengers ever again.


End file.
